Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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