as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
