you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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