You just made me feel so damn special
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
