I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
