Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just forgot I was standing up.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
