she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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