Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
