I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
