Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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