im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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