Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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