i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
