....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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