you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
