Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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