It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
