wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
