Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
