I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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