I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
