1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We're facebook friends in real life
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
