I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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