I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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