just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
