bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
