If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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