Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
