You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
