just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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