I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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