So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
