I wish I could teleport
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
