dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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