I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
