I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
