she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
honey bunches of taint.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
