i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
a search helicopter?!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
