I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
