I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
