May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
