dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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