when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
