Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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