break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
