god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
