:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
