I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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