When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
