Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
